


You Must Be Haunting Me

by imbouncingoffthewalls



Category: Kill Your Darlings (2013)
Genre: M/M, Maybe - Freeform, Unrequited Love, Unresolved Sexual Tension, allusion to masturbation, lol that's a thing i think, maybe thatss up to you, p sure i did that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-10
Updated: 2014-09-10
Packaged: 2018-02-16 20:36:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2283732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imbouncingoffthewalls/pseuds/imbouncingoffthewalls
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He will break your heart more than he already has, and maybe he'll put it back together in some fashion. It won't resemble anything like the heart you once held onto in your chest, and you will be grateful.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Must Be Haunting Me

**BANG!**

               There is a shot in the back of your mind when you first see him and the ringing in your ears never subsides. It gets louder, and you realize when it's all said and done that the noise only served to keep you deaf. You heard the way he would, sometimes, flirt with you, of course. You definitely heard when he flirted with others. You heard him when he professed his admiration for Jack ( _are you a real writer, too? does he talk about you to other people? why aren't you special, why is it jack?)_ and you hear his connection to David ( _why was it ever him? i'd be so much better, right, lu? right? we'd have the perfect day together- the perfect life time. you and i, drifting off into the night like two lovers born not for this world but for a world of our own creation, a world of-------)._ You hear his faults and his shortcomings, and perhaps you fall just a bit deeper into his spell for it. You are  _enchanted_ by the way his words, never his own, roll from his tongue like well-practiced words of seduction. You fall deeper still when you hear of the troubled mind trapped in the body of an angel banished. 

 

**DARKNESS.**

 

               The rest of the world is blackened out the second you see him, and it might never fade out. It gets darker and darker, as if discovering new forms of black, as if finding darker still colors. You are blinded by his eyes. You are blinded by his smile. You are blinded by his hair. You are blinded by his skin. You are blinded by your need for him in more exposed forms. You are overwhelmed with your desire to map what bit ( _not enough, could never be enough)_ of him your eye can immediately see. You need him in ways best left in dreams, in ways best left when your roommate isn't in and your hand feels as nothing less than second best.  You close your eyes in such moments and you vividly see him. You can see his skin and smile, clear as his eyes. You see in such clarity because there is nothing left in the world for you to look at. No other being could be half as magnificent a sight as he, so why would your poor eyes, already trapped behind the frame of glasses, strain to see anything less than he and his perfection? There are times when you hardly feel worthy of gazing. You realize you are worshiping. 

 

**DROWNING.**

               

            You knew it wouldn't last. You were surprised that anything had started, but now you know that perhaps it didn't ever have anything to do with you. You were a body, you were a being. You were the form that he chose to satiate his desires with, and what can you do but be grateful for the brief touches which were far from grief. You are a misspelling, an imperfection on the parchment that houses the plan that is Lucien Carr. You are a block along his path, and you are glad to be. If you are only a distraction or annoyance to him, it matters little. What maters is the way he used to look at you, the way he used to smile at you. Jack no longer matters, he and his word count be damned. David no longer matters, he and his history with  _your_ precious Lu be damned. You are the last one standing, you are the last one in line. Your time must draw sooner, and you are aware now that your mind has become little else but a free-flowing pen, stuck to a page about Lucien that would never turn. You realize that you could, would, and have rambled about the boy that haunts your heart. You realize that he consumes you the way the water consumes he who cannot swim. You are engulfed by a wave that you had not been prepared for, and who can save you when you are so willing to die for this cause? Not a soul can do more than say a prayer when you are as far gone as you are. Lucien Carr has trapped you, and you are glad for it. He will break your heart more than he already has, and maybe he'll put it back together in some fashion. It won't resemble anything like the heart you once held onto in your chest, and you will be grateful.  Aren't they all, those boys that fall victim to his spell?

 

** HAUNTED. **

 

             He visits your dreams, for it is the only place where he would be seen with you anymore. He wants nothing to do with you now, and you don't understand. Were you temporary? It isn't the same. Nothing is the same! You thought you were special. Alas, you thought wrong. You reflect to the times when you truly were special, when you weren't simply another hollowed out shell of a man ( _a prisoner)_ that he had created from his own dark fantasy. You smile, despite yourself, when you reflect on such times for, one day, you were almost his. You are grateful. You are grateful to be haunted by a ghost so devastating, and you can only hope that it will continue to be this way for the rest of your life.

**Author's Note:**

> idk what just happened, honestly. i wrote this half asleep, so i'll be shocked if this makes sense to anyone functioning on a proper 8 hours. as a matter of fact, if someone could explain to me just what the fuck i wrote, i'd surely appreciate it. omg this is my first not parksborn fic on here someone give me a cookie


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